8/25/10 – a voice from the past

Still don’t want to get into details – probably a mixture of both magic thinking and hoping it is better – maybe really, places other than here – than I think it is.
I picked up when you called because I had just switched to a new phone, and your call came in before the caller ID was activated.

You wanted to let me know about a special commemorative meeting tomorrow to celebrate the anniversary of President Ikeda receiving Gohonzon. And it just sounded strange to me (like I am sure it must sound to you, gentle reader). For 27 years of my life it had made total sense, not just as a verbal and mental construct, but as a heart construct.

It’s more than that I just don’t feel it. I no longer grok it.

After listening with tacit albeit engaging politeness to what you had to say, when you mentioned you hadn’t seen me in a while, I told you I hadn’t been practicing in over a year.

“Well yeah, I figured!” you chuckled. “But if you ever want to come back, we’d love to have you!”

No, it is not that easy. If someone comes back.

Your blithe keep-you-head-down-and-just-butt-it enthusiasm, your even-unproductive-my-spirit-makes-me-productive wheel spinningness, is so ineffectual and useless it helps me see clearly why I am where I am after dedicating the middle half of my life to that Buddhism and organization.

The Buddhism is stunning and crystalline. And the organization’s ideals are the highest and purest, and actually simplest. But you lay organization didn’t give me what it told me it was giving me – when I stepped out of its comfort zone and assumed I could apply what it had “taught” me to the real world, I looked like a fool.


4 responses to “8/25/10 – a voice from the past

  1. I wonder if this is a slip of the pen or if it is important to you: you say you ‘looked like a fool’; but that is an entirely different matter to feeling like a fool. You don’t strike me as someone who worries what other people think.

    I’m sorry you lost your faith; it must be difficult.

    • I think I did look like a fool. Asked to take certain responsibilities at work, dealing with other people, which is well out of my normal comfort zone, I applied what I had known and done for decades in the religious organization – and I know, from what I overheard, I came across as an enthusiastic kid.

  2. Okay, here is what I believe: Any religion is what you want to believe it to be. If you think it helps you be at peace with yourself, it will.
    So, I like to think that my religion (yea, I named it “my”) keeps me at peace… and I would really like to keep thinking that way too 🙂

    I don’t even know if I made sense…It’s just that your post got me thinking, and affirming my thoughts!

  3. Lawrence not sure you lost your faith or found a different one with few strings attached.

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